I started watching 45 minutes into the two-hour episode, and I’m really hoping I missed something that explained why this mother and her college-aged daughter treated the Clean House crew so badly. I don’t want to ruin it for anyone who hasn’t seen it yet, so keep reading at your own risk.

The folks over at Clean House aim to not only, you know, clean house, but to give people the tools they need to keep the house from reverting to its previous disastrous state, which often means bringing some very emotional issues to the surface. They’ve dealt with everything from hoarding and compulsive shopping to families who are so grief-stricken over the loss of a loved one that they’ve lost the will to clean. They provide a wonderful opportunity to hurting or overwhelmed families who really deserve it.

At the end of most episodes, you’re able to share in the crew’s feeling of a job well done. Life is never as neat as TV (even reality TV) makes it out to be, so you know the family still has a ways to go, but you still feel like at least a little bit of the emotional baggage has gone out with the clutter.

None of that happened in this episode. I think Niecy and her crew were as shocked as I was by how everything played out. The mother and her daughter weren’t really looking to change their situation; they just wanted someone else to come in and deal with the mess they had made.

They refused to admit to having any kind of compulsive shopping issues, even though the crew had to rent out an empty 7,000 square-foot department store to accommodate everything that had been pulled for the yard sale.

They refused to admit they had too much stuff, even though there was a huge crack in the ceiling because of the overloaded attic and the items they set aside to save wouldn’t all fit back into their house.

No lasting change can be made unless the people involved want to change. I’d give it a year at most before the house is in even worse shape than before.

And the behavior of these two “ladies” (I’m using the term quite loosely) was positively cringe-inducing. The mother would cuss her daughter out a blue streak for getting rid of something she thought should be kept and, moments later, look up towards the ceiling and thank Jesus for this, that, or another thing.

She may want to brush up on James chapter 3. Verses 9 through 11 say:

“With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?”

Her daughter wasn’t much better. They were both very unpleasant to listen to. I watched the show with almost my entire family and all of us (even my little siblings) began flinching involuntarily after a while.

During a later part of the show, the daughter stormed away from the keep pile, refusing to respond to Niecy’s pleas that they try and work things out. Niecy followed her out into the parking lot, where the daughter got into (I’m assuming) her boyfriend’s car, said, “I’ve had about enough of this bull[excrement],” and sped off after slamming the door in Niecy’s face.

The daughter never apologized, saying she hadn’t done anything wrong.

The clincher came when the mother took off in the middle of the big reveal, saying that her grandmother’s old purses had gone missing, and blamed the crew for either taking them or selling them at the yard sale.

Both the mother and the daughter tore through the pile of stuff that wouldn’t fit back into the house (stored under a small tent in the middle of the street), throwing things and swearing as they searched for the purses. The daughter actually picked up a picture and threw it on the ground so that the glass in the frame shattered, saying, “If I had wanted *that* saved, I wouldn’t have just done that, now would I?”

The mother refused to come back until the purses had been located, leaving the daughter to finish the show by herself.

The reveal (even before the mother left) felt empty and insincere. They both thanked the crew and said how much they loved it, but you could tell it was more something they expected to be done for them rather than a gift they truly appreciated.

The crew’s heart didn’t seem to be in it, either. After investing so much time, energy, and money in two selfish, ungrateful individuals, it’s no wonder. I imagine it’s very discouraging to go to such great lengths for people who don’t appreciate it and will turn on you at a moment’s notice.

It’s O.K., Niecy and co. I still love you guys, and I think you did a fabulous job under the circumstances. Maybe next year’s search for the messiest home in the country will lead you to a happier, more deserving family.

"What? I'm only looking. No, for real. I'm serious."

"I'm smelling them, O.K.? Honestly, you people are so picky."

"Maybe one little nuzzle. See? I can appreciate flowers without eating them."

"Well, maybe just one little taste..."

That was pretty much the end of the roses. Mom tried to salvage them by putting them out in the garage, but this was back in February. They froze.

Thank you, Cleo, for being such a photogenic little rascal and demonstrating to our readership once and for all why our family can’t have nice things.

Tinted Windows. From left, Bun E. Carlos, James Iha, Taylor Hanson, and Adam Schlesinger

Personally, I think this is how my father must have felt when the first Traveling Wilburys single came out. It’s just really cool to hear a group of talented musicians working together in a genre they enjoy and can skillfully perform.

Check out the video for “Kind of A Girl,” one of Tinted Windows’ first singles. Normally I’m a big fan of keyboards and other electronic embellishments, but I’m really liking that they opted to omit all of that and focus on the guitars.

It’s a clean, rocking sound with a clean, rocking look to match - a “We play pop rock, but we also wear really nice shoes” kind of a look.

Tinted Windows’ self-titled debut is already out on iTunes and available for purchase as a CD on their Web site. Pick it up and add a few tracks to your Cheap Trick-The Knack-Tommy Tutone-and-so-forth megamix.

When I heard about Comedy Central’s “Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire,” my initial reaction was to wonder why it’s taken so long for something like this to come out. Like I said, there have been fantasy parodies in other genres for decades now, and there have been fantasy TV series that are witty in their approach, but not really full-on parodies. Why did it take so long for the two to come together?

I’m assuming that, as with most things, it comes down to the bottom line. Fantasy has traditionally been a niche market, fantasy parody perhaps even moreso, and if you’re going to invest money in a TV series (especially in this economy), you want to make sure people are going to watch it.

Now that video games and online role-playing games have become a part of the cultural mainstream, there’s a much wider audience for a show like this than there would have been, say, five years ago.  Comedy Central, you little scamp - your timing is almost obscenely perfect.

“Krod Mandoon” features Matt Lucas of “Little Britain” and Sean Maguire of “Meet the Spartans” and, according to Comedy Central’s Web site, is “a groundbreaking action comedy that is equal parts workplace comedy and sword and sorcery fun.”

It sounds like a fabulous concept, and I’m curious to see how it will play out in the execution. It will either be a mostly witty approach to humor, with jokes and situations that make you laugh because of how unexpected they are, or it will be an endless string of gay jokes and sexual references that will simply become tiresome after a few episodes.

If you watched any of the clips on the “Krod Mandoon” site linked above, it’s easy to see that the series could go either way. Personally, I’m hoping for the witty/unexpected humor approach, along the lines of “30 Rock” or “The Office.”

We’ll find out soon enough - the series premieres on Thursday, April 9th at 10 p.m. on Comedy Central. Hopefully it’ll be a series worthy of adding to the proverbial TiVo.

I’m not sure what I’m doing for dinner tonight, but Hot Pockets will not be on the menu. “Hot Pockets!”

You can find “Twilight” by going to the Comcast On Demand channel, selecting the “Movies and Events” folder, selecting “All New Releases,” and finally, selecting “Twilight.” You’ll also be able to check out three behind-the-scenes featurettes, including an exclusive one on how the Vampire Baseball scene was put together.

If you’re a Comcast On Demand subscriber, this means you can spend more time looking at the pretty pictures on the TV instead of duking it out with other fans in the New Releases section at your local video retailer. Case in point:

Edward and Bella. Now, imagine this in high definition.

Much better than a bloody nose and a black eye from the mom who grabbed the last copy out of your hands for her daughter’s sleepover, am I right?

Comcast suggested having a few friends over and turning your viewing into an event complete with a trivia contest and vampire-themed party foods. This recipe for Black Bottom Cupcakes sounds quite tasty:

Black Bottom Cupcakes

Ingredients

8 oz cream cheese, softened     1/3 cup sugar                            pinch of salt

1 cup semi-sweet choc chips     3 cups all-purpose flour             2 cups sugar

1/2 cup cocoa powder               2 tsp baking soda                     1 tsp salt

2 cups cold water                      2/3 cup vegetable oil                 2 tbsp distilled vinegar

2 tsp vanilla extract

Suggested Cookware & Appliances

12 cup muffin tin, pitcher, electric mixer

Directions

- Make the filling by combining the cream cheese, 1/3 cup sugar, egg, pinch of salt, and chocolate chips.

- Refrigerate until ready to use. (Can be made up to 3 days in advance.)

- Preheat oven to 325°F. Put 12 fluted paper cups in a muffin tin and set aside.

- Combine the flour, 2 cups sugar, cocoa powder, baking soda and salt in a mixing bowl.

- In a pitcher, combine the water, oil, vinegar, and vanilla.

- Pour the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients and whip with an electric mixer for 3 minutes.

- Pour the batter evenly into the prepared muffin tin.

- Top each cupcake with 1-2 tablespoons of the cream cheese filling.

- Bake for 28 minutes. Cool in the pan before serving.

Have fun! And may I suggest you bake at least a few hours before the movie begins? You don’t want to have an oven fire on your hands due to a sudden, shall we say, shift in priorities.

If you see that your favorite type of business isn’t represented, there’s an “Other” category that you can fill in. Vote for your favorite tea shop, your favorite farmstand, your favorite place to ski - the sky’s the limit.

Impressive likeness, isn’t it. Oh, Japan, is there nothing you won’t do for your beloved Obama?

If you think Obama is popular in the U.S., you haven’t read this article from Reuters. And this was only during the primary…

Blanche, Dorothy, Rose, and Sophia, better known as "The Golden Girls"

Starting on Monday, March 2nd, “Golden Girls” will be on the Hallmark Channel Monday-Friday from 9-10 a.m., 4-5 p.m., and midnight-2 a.m., Saturdays from 6-9 a.m., and Sundays from 8-10 a.m. With 180 episodes in the series, it’ll be a while before they get into repeats.

To whet your appetite, please enjoy this bloopers clip. Oh, and don’t forget to stop at the grocery store on the way home - you can go through a lot of cheesecake during an 18-hour marathon.

So how has Dahlia’s (that’s Darren’s daughter) 15 minutes of fame paid off? Read on to find out.

CUDDLING WITH OBAMA COULDN’T SCORE ME INAUGURATION TIX

Guest Blog by Darren Garnick

Way back when Barack Obama was just a regular rock star, only filling high school gymnasiums instead of NFL stadiums, my daughter got to cuddle with him twice.

Nothing scandalous, mind you, Dahlia was a five-month-old baby at the time. But her combined 90 seconds with the future president made her a New York Daily News covergirl, inspired a bit in Jay Leno’s monologue and briefly inflated her importance to the same level as Angelina Jolie’s pregnancy.

In the ultimate baby scrapbook exercise, I chased down nearly every major presidential candidate for saliva-free photo ops during the New Hampshire Primary. Only Obama broke the no-kissing rule and the press photographers went nuts.  The resulting photo essay, “The Baby Primary” inspired worldwide speculation about the candidates’ body language.

Exactly a year after the media madness, I’m frequently asked two questions:

1.    Did Dahlia ever get to snuggle up to Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin or Vice President Joe Biden?
2.    Will Dahlia be attending the Inauguration?

Caribou Barbie only came to NH once and I regrettably could not leave work that day. It would have been hilarious to introduce my baby as Tigger or Trigger or Tugg or Tagg (oops, that’s the name of Mitt Romney’s kid). I did try to meet Biden at Nashua Community College, but his blathering oratory put my girl into an irreversibly cranky mood.

As for the shocked friends and relatives who cannot believe that Dahlia was not invited to Tuesday’s star-studded love-in, here’s a reality check: Barack Obama kisses babies in every city and town in America.

Do they even sell formal gowns at the Baby GAP?

Although the Obamas’ so-called “Youth Ball” is for 18-year-olds, not 18-month-olds, I do have a lingering feeling that my daughter has been stood up at the prom. Seeking solidarity, I managed to track down political photo-op guru Andy Green, a junior history major at the University of Northern Iowa.

Green pulled off a major coup before the 2008 Iowa Caucuses, posing his Mr. Potato Head toy with Obama, McCain and the rest of the pack. The stoic Biden was the only luminary who refused the honor, explaining that he does “not take pictures with funny hats or funny toys.” But his wife, Jill, happily obliged.

It turns out that Green and his plastic spud, which once had its butt panel removed to satisfy Hillary Clinton’s Secret Service agents, were not invited to Washington either.

Green and I aren’t alone, of course. Scalped tickets to the Inauguration, which were originally distributed free through Congressional Districts, are fetching $500 on Craigslist.

Refusing to shell out that kind of moolah, I figured I had nothing to lose by pretending to play the DC Who-You-Know powergame. I contacted a close friend, who is the son-in-law of Someone Very Important, with hopes of scoring some “extra” tickets. He laughed at me, poking fun at his own lack of clout. Amazingly, his mother-in-law, a.k.a. the influential wife of Someone Very Important, has been turning away her own close friends. (As an aside, he noted that unclaimed 2004 Bush Inauguration tix were as plentiful as Skee-Ball prize tickets).

I now regret trying to play my weak Who-You-Know card. The magic of the New Hampshire Primary was that I had no special connections enabling us to mingle with the next President and the next Secretary of State.  It was bad karma to try to force it.

However, I am convinced that Dahlia influenced at least a few votes for Obama during the earliest primaries, when he most desperately needed them. The blogosphere was buzzing with women cooing over his natural baby-handling skills, which are impossible to fake. My own wife, Stacy, fell into this camp. She told CNN that Barack won her vote just by “the way he’s looking at her so lovingly and so warmly.” (To be fair, Stacy also factors the economy, foreign policy and social values into the equation).

But Obama obviously owes my family nothing — except for stuff like defending the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic.

And the truth is that Dahlia will probably be much happier staying home on Inauguration Day. She has yet to ask for one of those designer Inaugural handbags or t-shirts by Diane Von Furstenberg or Donna Karan. She’s still far more impressed by Fisher Price.

**
Guest blogger Darren Garnick (www.darrengarnick.com) is a former pop culture columnist for The Telegraph.